Game Center CX ~Arino no Chousenjou~
By Mark Peters / March 20, 2009
This review was originally published on LaserGun's Videogame Blog.
I can't stand this game, I really can't. It has to be one of the most cynical cash-ins I've seen in a long while. It's not one of those
word-coach-healthy-lifestyle-give up-smoking non-games aimed at your mother and sister; this actually happens to be aimed at people who play
games. So what exactly is so cynical about this compilation of Famiclones? It is the games themselves. Just let me give you some background and I'll
explain what I mean.
Game Center CX is a television show about a man playing old videogames [Note to asses: the man said old, not retro. --Ed]. Each episode sees Arino playing an 8/16-bit console game from the '80/'90s, the goal being to complete each game. We see the likes of Contra, Ninja Ryuukenden, Chelnov and Makaimura being played. The amusement comes from Arino being quite shit at these games and failing at some of the most basic button combinations required to progress in them. You, the viewer, cheer him on, and in the end he either succeeds or fails at completing each game.
So this is the experience Arino no Chousenjou is ostensibly trying to recreate. It doesn't actually go the exact same way about it though, as you're not provided with real Famicom games; instead, the developer has taken it upon themselves to develop eight Famiclones, i.e. titles that look, sound and play like Famicon games. Of course it would have been quite an effort to develop brand new games from scratch, so indies zero, the developer, pretty much just ripped off some of the most popular games from the '80s.
And not only that. Instead of assuming the role of Arino in the game, your on-screen avatar is represented by some other dude, whom a disembodied, ugly, polygonal, floating Arino head has turned into a child and taken back in time to the earliest days of the Famicom. He holds you hostage, and -- oh the horror -- demands that you complete the challenges he sets for you before returning you to your correct age. The real bad thing about the addition of Arino as an antagonist is that, instead of leaving you to complete each game he gives you, he sets rather dull and easy challenges, which annoyingly break up playthroughs and make the proceedings feel like a chore. The irony here being that this collection of games is meant to be aping an earlier era of gaming, not the "achievement"-dominated era we're currently in. And of course all of this is filler added in a somewhat thinly veiled attempt at artificially extending the length of the game.
The first game you encounter, Cosmic Gate, is a rather boring Galaga clone. The only new additions here are a level warp and a lame asteroid-shooting bonus stage. After you quickly finish the dull challenges, you're given the second game: Karakuri Ninja Haggle Man. This was probably the worst game I'd had the displeasure of playing in quite a while. Firstly, it is an absolute eyesore, with rough pixel work devoid of any charm or style. Then come the actual game mechanics, an absolute mess, with its aping of an action platformer from the '80s being way off the mark. You're given two ways to dispatch an enemy, either by opening or closing a door on them, or via a head stomp. Your task of dispatching all the enemies is made even easier due to a projectile stun weapon. Oh, and did I mention you could hide behind doors for as long as you want? You even get two hit points and a chance to recover one by going through three lettered doors in reverse alphabetical order. Does this sound like an unforgiving rock-hard action game from the '80s? No, it's absolute child's play, the entire game lasting about five minutes, and making you feel like a retard if you even die just once. If platformers were like this when I was growing up, I probably wouldn't have bothered with videogames at all.
I had only clocked in around thirty minutes of actual game time before being handed the third game, Rally King, a top-down racer. My first few moments with it were awful, the car's handling feeling very weak and quite ropey, this of course until I am disclosed the drift boosting technique. Letting go of the accelerator lets your car drift around corners with ease; drift for long enough and you're given a major speed boost at the end of your cornering motion. This of course totally breaks the game, as you start flying past three cars at every corner. This was another short experience, with the game only having a total of three courses, each lasting only around a minute and a half. Once I was finished sledging through those I was handed the next game, a 2D vertical shooter called Star Prince, which just like Star Soldier comes with its own Caravan scoring modes. The first thing I noticed was that it is a damn sight uglier than the Famicom shooting games it apes. The second thing is that it is far easier, and this is before I was even handed a turbo button. My experience with this title was extremely swift, just imagine a watered down Caravan style shooter and you have this game. After that nonsense I'm given, ta-da-da-daaa: Karakuri Ninja Haggle Man 2. If you've been paying attention you'll know how I felt about the first game -- I detested it. All this sequel manages to add are slightly larger stages and a couple of (barely) beefed up enemies, and all was set for another excruciatingly dull and easy experience.
I was pretty pissed about being handed a sequel to a game I didn't like the first time round, so right after that Arino hands me -- Rally King SP! See a pattern starting to form? All this adds is some in-game commercial cutscenes between races and minor track alterations. The challenges and whatnot are virtually the same and I'm still not really having any fun. My patience was wearing thin quickly with this package, and I was getting pretty fed up at this point. I was given the next new game: Gaudia Quest, at which point I saved and turned off my DS, leaving the game for a week. I was at wit's end and pretty much done with this lame retro gaming ripoff.
A week later I'm told that Karakuri Ninja Haggle Man 3 (yes wtf, another sequel) resembles Ninja Ryuukenden in both looks and mechanics. So I pick up my DS and turn it back on and find myself playing Gaudia Quest. This is pretty much just a straight Dragon Quest rip-off. I do have to mention the first challenge for this game as it was quite pathetic, it literally involved reaching the next town and saving the game, something which took less than two minutes. If this doesn't illustrate my beefs with this game then nothing will. I was pleasantly surprised with the first dungeon design; it wasn't a straightforward line to the boss, but again it was far too easy. Random battles would pop up and all I had to do was mash a button to confirm that I wanted to attack the enemy, then occasionally a stronger enemy would appear and I'd use an overpowered magic spell on them. After battle I'd spent a quick few seconds healing if I'd gotten hurt. This game lasted a little longer than the rest, but that's mainly because it's a bog standard JPRG, and therefore contained a little grinding here and there.
After clearing the challenges for Guadia Quest, I finally unlocked Karakuri Ninja Haggle Man 3. I must admit I was a little excited, even though, given the wretched experience I'd had with the last seven games, it was of course foolish of me to expect anything near the quality of Ninja Ryuukenden. Then I start it up, come upon its ugly as hell title screen (resembling something from a Spectrum ZX title screen rather than a Famicom title), see a familiar Act 1 style screen in the same style of Ninja Ryuukenden, and that was where the similarities ended. I didn't find myself playing a fast paced, difficult action game, I found myself playing a rather ugly and slow Metroidvania style platformer. Let me elaborate: to clear the first level I had to a) collect items (gears) which were then used as currency, b) visit an ingame shop to purchase an item, c) bring up an item equip screen to equip the item, and d) use the new ability I gained from my new equipment to pass through a blockade to the next area. Can you imagine if Ninja Ryuukenden had actually been like this? If, instead of combating enemies and dealing with intricate platforming, you spent your time harvesting in-game currency and shopping for crap to unlock the next area? Screw this, I thought -- I'd had it with this game.
And that ladies and gentlemen is Arino no Chousenjou for you, a typically cynical retro cash-in. A game designed based on the (wildly insulting) assumption that you no longer have a sense of taste, you no longer know how to set up a Famicom/Mega Drive/SFC or whatever. You will purchase this oh my god-like-so-cool retro experience instead of taking it upon yourself to sit down on a nice comfy sofa, hook up an older console (or PC/laptop, if you know what I mean), grab a bowl of popcorn, and start playing some quality titles from yesteryear. It's sad really, and all the "atmosphere" or cute little mini magazines did nothing to enhance my experience with this game (perhaps they would have if they were real magazines -- at least then I would have learned something). But I've learned at least one lesson from playing this: I won't be wasting any more time on it again, or on similar games, but I will continue to play and enjoy decent, well made, quality Famicom games.